I was going to post more about makeup, but I felt that I was not in the right place, mentally, to do that. So instead, insecurities.
Mostly, it's about my singing. As usual. I don't think I'm a bad singer. In fact, I think I'm a pretty good singer for someone who isn't seeking to do it professionally. The problem is, well, I'm too much of a group singer. I love choir. I love a cappella. I just can't diva myself out there. I'm not like Jane or Adrianna. I just can't do it. So when I audition for something, why does it hurt so much when I don't get it? Most of the time, I don't really care. But we're singing two songs this semester that have some meaning to me. Konna ni Chikaku de and Hui Jia. So, Konna's already taken from me once, so I'm like, ok. I'll audition again, now that Adrianna's graduated, and see if I got any better, see if I get it this time. Nope. Why do I keep putting myself out there, when I have never made it to the second round of voting? Seriously guys, it hurts. Especially since I lost out to someone that I thought had major pitch issues. Honestly. Please girls, please sing it in tune when you're singing with a piano, at least. Please.
We're auditioning for Hui Jia this Saturday. I sang that song with my dad when I was younger, so it really has a lot of meaning to me. But I know Jane would also sound nice on it. I just don't really know what to do about it any more. Like, my main selling point would be that I hit the high b nicely, but on a Saturday morning, I'm not sure how well I'll do. And my Chinese isn't as perfect as Jane's, I know.
Speaking of Chinese. Look, I'm not bad at Chinese. Frankly, I think my Chinese is damned good when I want it to be. It's just that most of the time, I don't really care. So I have an ABC accent, and I slip into Chinglish a lot. It's not like I'm in Chinese class, where I have to speak all Chinese. So Jane (and all you other Chinese folks), please stop judging my Chinese. I'll have you know I won speech competitions in Chinese before. So shut it. Your English isn't much better. (If someone actually does read this, please remember that I just like raging. Like, I'm upset, but I am not really mad at anyone. Trust me.)